Compassion or Callous

I am disillusioned, once again, with the people I worked with.  A few days ago, a colleague's grandmother (who happened to be hospitalised in my ward) collapsed during her shift and had to be resuscitated.  The colleague, due to manpower shortage, had to be called in to help and she ended up doing CPR on her grandmother while crying like nobody's business.

Now, my heart truly goes out to her because no one deserves to be placed under such a situation.  There is a reason why police officers aren't allowed to be investigate cases where their family members are involved; lawyers aren't allowed to represent their family members in court; surgeons weren't encourage to operate on their loved ones.  All because our emotions get in the way of our clinical judgement.  And so, my dear friend, whose heart wrenched with every forceful press she delivered to her granny's ribcage, was told to stop and the CPR taken over by a senior staff when she walked in to the room.

Subsequently, I was told that my colleague did request for family care leave earlier that morning when she found out the vital signs of her granny were going downhill.  Her request was, however, rejected by that senior staff because her granny is in warded in the same hospital where she worked (i.e. she would have been granted the leave if her granny is warded in another hospital). Duh???  What is the rationale behind granting family care leave then?  I am puzzled.

Then the part that got me totally thrown off my seat was - she was reprimanded afterward, by the same senior staff, for crying while doing CPR on her granny because that was NOT professional as she was still in her nurse uniform!  And hear this, this took place on the same day, shortly after her granny was pronounced dead in the medical ICU.  Can you beat that?  Whatever happened to that compassionate and caring trait in nurses?  Did her years of nursing left her a callous heart???  I genuinely want to find out.

Underneath that white uniform of mine is still a human heart.  I put myself in her shoes and asked myself (and my family members today) various times.  Yes, I'd have done the same thing and cried both my lungs and heart out if I had to resuscitate my loved ones, whether or not I am in my uniform.  If that scene irritates you or is deemed unprofessional in your opinion, it probably boils down to poor manpower planning and ineffective handling of situation on the senior management's end as well.

Lesson learnt - quit my job if I should turn callous one day.  I never, ever, want to be like her.  Lord, I'm so sorry I sounded so unforgiving.  Keep my heart burning with your compassion, so that I can continue to love the unlovable, because this is so, so, so hard...  Please continue to stay with me as I stay on in this job, okay?  Show me signs and give me hope, and the wisdom to identify them.  And embrace me when I am down, because no one else will love the unlovable me the way you do.  Thank you!